I fear therefore I hate

Hate is the consequence of fear; we fear something before we hate it; a child who fears noises becomes a man who hates noise. ~ Cyril Connolly

Being IN the Tune of Two

Did you ever sing/clap the rhyme that started:

 "I went to a Chinese restaurant to buy a loaf of bread bread bread!
He wrapped it up in a 5 lb bag and this is what he said said said!"
(There are multiple variations to the rest..)

Song rhymes were like a religion for me from the ages of 6-8, and mostly performed with my favorite clap-partner, and cousin, Laura.  We knew each other and we were in tune.  There were a couple other rhymes we would clap, but this one was definitely our favorite.  Whether we were on the bus, at lunch, or in the playground we were showing off our speed and precision to words which, really, were complete silliness.  And. we. LOVED it.

Tonight I found myself teaching my 5-year-old daughter Mallory the basics of the clap -- the repeated three hand positions.  The first parallel hand position is tricky, but she started getting it after a few minutes.  Before long she had all three so I threw in the rhyme!  As we got going, suddenly I relived the feeling that went along with clapping.. and I was giddy!  Once I started speeding up, even though Mallory couldn't keep up, we both ended up throwing our heads back and giggling.  So much fun.

As I sat afterward, I couldn't help but reflect on how similar relationships are to this childhood ritual of mine.   It's easy to see the comparison when you think of the dance that comes with a good partner.  Like clapping with Laura there is a THRILL in the moment of being in tune and connected.  Back in the day, it wasn't just the silliness of the song that made us smile, but the knowing each other; predicting each other.  It was in the challenge of pushing the pace, and testing our limits. We could accommodate to each other's weakness, and highlight our individual strength.   It was exhilarating to get going so fast that others would stop and watch.  We.Were.Good.   

How had we gotten so good?  Well, perhaps there was a compatibility factor in our disposition, skill, and personality.  I'm sure those things were key.  And then there was the obvious (but essential) willingness factor. If you don't want to clap, it ain't gonna happen!   But mostly, I have to believe, it's because we put the time and effort in.  When it came to clapping we knew each other.  And I follow the motto: anything worth doing, is worth doing right!   A fully-developed relationship is so much like that.   Yes indeed a certain amount of compatibility is important, and you definitely have to be willing and wanting.   But you also have to get through that awkward beginning -- when your claps aren't quite on target, even if well-intended.  You're clumsy.  Forgetful.  At moments, maybe frustrated and discouraged.   It takes time and effort to get to the point where it's seamless; when the dance becomes easy and natural.  You have to be patient, and merciful.  You have to be hopeful and trusting of the process.  You have to believe in the dance. But, before you know it, you find yourself singing a tad louder one day, because you sense your partner needs the lift.   You find yourselves challenging and encouraging each other to sing new songs and to push new limits.  You wake up and realize, you're in tune.  The rhyme and rhythm has become second nature. And the intimacy of being in tune with another human being is nothing short of absolutely exhilarating.